Resources for your marriage

Practical, honest tools to help you invest in the relationship that matters most.

Three simple habits

Eat. Talk. Play.

Three small, deliberate habits that make a real difference when you keep them up.

Eat

Sit down together and share a meal for two. Share the preparation, and the clearing up, or let yourselves off the hook with a takeaway or a table at your local restaurant. Take the time to savour the sights, smells and flavours of a good meal, and each other's company.

Talk

When was the last time you sat down and talked about "you", the challenges of life, what's motivating you, what's dragging you down, how it feels to be you, or your hopes and dreams for the future together? Make time this week to sit down together, just to talk.

Play

Do something together that you both enjoy. As simple as a walk, watching a film, or an evening in your local pub. Or, if you're feeling adventurous, go paragliding or take on a bungee jump. Either way, make time for it this week.

Restoration

"Tikkun": healing, repair, transformation

Marriages can be restored. Disconnection can lead back to reconnection. Change can be difficult and challenging, but it's part of life. Restoring a relationship so that it's refreshed and revitalised takes courage, trust and vulnerability.

Investing time and effort into someone we love is worth it. Through our connection, we've become one, and that relationship has its own space, one that's special. Children can come into that space, and that's a good thing. But other things can come in and crowd that space between a couple, and that can lead to difficulties.

Disconnection can happen, and we can end up living parallel lives, dealing with day-to-day tasks together but not really connecting. Looking at what we do separately and what we do together, then making changes where needed, can help us do more things together again.

Try the exercise

Draw two circles, overlapping in the middle.

On the outer left edge, write what you do individually.
On the outer right edge, write what your partner does individually.
In the overlap in the centre, write what you do together.

This may surprise you. We can all drift into patterns of behaviour, and not all of them are good ones. This can be a time to restore good habits and make more time for the person you love.

Give your relationship an NCT

Marriage doesn't have to be average

Most people getting married do a preparation course to help them start their married life well. Some couples whose marriage has run into difficulty go to counselling to help rebuild it. What fewer couples think about is a course to strengthen a marriage that's simply ticking over: an NCT for the relationship, clearing the drains that have become a little blocked, and oiling the parts so everything runs more smoothly.

We can choose how we handle conflict and the changes that life brings our way. It's easy to react defensively. When we address difficult situations early, problems can be easier to manage.

No marriage is affair-proof. Every marriage needs protecting and nurturing so that it can flourish. Most marriages go through difficult times, and it can feel easier to opt out. Commitment takes effort, and sometimes it may feel like too much, but working through things together can lead to a deeper, stronger marriage.

Where to start

The Marriage Course and similar programmes run by our partner organisations are designed for exactly this: not crisis intervention, just a proper service for a relationship that deserves one.

Find a course or support

The universal language of connection

The Five Love Languages

Summarised from "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. What is your love language, and what is your husband or wife's?

1

Affirmation / Words

Verbal compliments, words of appreciation, praise and encouragement, kind words, noticing and appreciating the other person's positive actions and qualities.
2

Attention / Quality Time

Being available, doing something enjoyable and interactive together, giving uninterrupted and focused attention, quality conversation where both talk and listen, creating memorable moments.
3

Action / Acts of Service

Willingly, not forcibly, doing something helpful for the other. A timely and positive response to requests, not demands. Acts of kindness done with a loving attitude, not fear, guilt or resentment.
4

Affection / Touch

Gentle physical contact at appropriate times and places. Tender hugs, touches or pats on the arm, shoulder or back. Holding hands, holding while comforting, intimate touch and closeness.
5

Appreciation / Gifts

Thoughtful gifts freely offered. Gifts of any size, shape, colour or price, given without strings attached, at any time, just because.